I am not willing to write about Covid-19 and the deep rabbit hole cobweb of all the things that it is. It can kindly go fuck itself. However, I am willing to write about one aspect and some pieces that have transpired for me. Potentially, I may also need to say to Covid-19, albeit in a very quiet whisper, reluctantly under my breath, Thank You for these insights. But only after I have screamed extremely loudly at the top of my lungs FUCK. YOU!
You see, it has gifted me a major thing that I have longed for for the past 18 months. Literally, a cottage by the seaside. An actual, physical cottage by the seaside. A little home of my own. Anyone need lessons in manifesting desires? I am your girl. However, be prepared you may need to endure a worldwide pandemic to go along with it. She isn’t all sparkles and sunshine. But I am currently living in a seaside cottage. With a wood fire. Would this be my preferred method of acquiring such luxury? Absolutely fucking NOT! Yet it is a silver lining? Absolutely Yes. This is not the first time a literal cottage has appeared in my life and provided a nest and space for me to consider all things. The last time this happened it was also the beginning of some serious life changes, but that is a story for another day.
Since moving out of my home with husband #1 (sidebar...I find the labelling for husband #1, past husband, ex-husband etc all ill fitting. Why is there not a word that is love filled and honouring of said husband that also communicates the complexities of divorce and signifies past tense? Divorce language and labels are yuck. For so many reasons. Can someone please sort that out? Thank you, I’d greatly appreciate that.) Ok, continuing.....
Since moving out of my home with husband #1 18 months ago I have lived in 22 “homes” across 22 different locations across the world. That is more homes than most people will ever experience in an entire lifetime, let alone in 18 months. For the most part I have lived with one bag. At times, this has expanded to a few additional items but never beyond an amount I could not carry on my own. That was the rule, I must be able to carry my belongings on my own. The second part of the rule was anything long term that I wished to keep but not carry on the pilgrimage must be able to fit into the back of my VW Caddy which has been stored in Tasmania. That my entire footprint of possessions must not exceed these two requirements. That on a daily basis I can carry everything and anything else must fit in my car. This has presented a world of challenges. There is nothing like having no home to challenge all of your foundations and inner structure. The lessons and insights require an epic length journal to even being to unravel but there are a few common themes and threads which will be woven into my future and create the building blocks of the structure of my life. These are yet to be rolled out in its fullest form due to the current complete standstill we find ourselves in however, the gift of the lock down has fulfilled one major need and reinforced and fortified certain revelations and aspects of the last 18 months.
Part of my journey has been to re-evaluate what a “home” is. What that looks like. What it feels like. What are the tangible things that are required for it to be a home. Turns out, it looks NOTHING like what it did 18 months ago. There are pieces that have come to light that I always knew to be true for me but I could not really make sense of. Because it is a bit obscure or perhaps even odd. Subtle things that are in fact really important to my happiness and joy that I never considered one should require. I feel we are taught that we need certain things to be comfortable and happy and to create a good home but it turns out all of those things that society taught me I should want are in fact mostly the opposite of what I want. For example, I do not like big spaces. I like small homes. I do not like clutter or lots of possessions. I value freedom and movement and agility and for me, this requires little physical possessions. The possessions that do bring me joy are impractical, like books and artwork and random pieces of fabric. I value living outside. Or as close to it as I can get. I must be able to see and feel nature from my home. I need to be able to hear the birds and the wind. I cannot share any walls with people. I must not be able to hear other people. I require a space that I can come home to and collect my energy. Untangle from other peoples energy. I require a quiet space. I cannot hear my intuition and inner guidance without this silence. I cannot have conversations to the depth I require with The Great Mother without this silence. I often found this is nature, going for walks or swims or working in the garden. This has been an essential relief. Almost a band aid solution because it is then a little snippet incorporated into each day, which has been and remains extremely important however, to become the woman I want to be and create the life and world I want to create, if requires far more than this. It requires full body deep dive naked swimming. It requires a more holistic approach. As opposed to the tiny moments and snippets. The list is endless but essential to understand and be clear on. By knowing this, I can clearly start to formulate how I need to structure my life.
Since being back in Australia I have been frustrated at myself and my external world as I have come back into a more traditional or mainstream way of existence. One that absolutely does not fit me anymore. It makes me feel uncomfortable and disconnected, stagnant and stuck. It does absolutely nothing for me. It has taken a bit of re-entry into it for me to really see all the pieces that I must not carry forward. I am also slowly coming to the understanding that it really, SERIOUSLY does not matter what ANYONE else things of my choices and existence. That they do not need to understand it or approve of it. And that I do not even need to attempt to explain it. Acceptance by anyone else other than myself is not required. This is a difficult one. One that requires constant letting go of.
This current waiting room has given me the time and space to let all the pieces settle. It has allowed me to start to put some of the jigsaw together. There hasn’t been any new revelations as such but more a deepening of what I have already learnt. A clarity almost that what I have discovered really was just the beginning, the tip of the iceberg. I thought I had it figured out. I thought I had found the way. But turns out, I had just found the beginning of the track. I think we live in a way that is too linear. We believe that when we get to X or Y, that that is it. But it is a constant ongoing process. It is never actually “done” whatever done means. It just continues to evolve.
I think a major part of my almost one foot in old life, one foot in new life as been two fold. 1. My new life is fucking weird. It is far beyond anything I was ever taught or believed or even knew existed. It certainly has not been mirrored back in a positive way. It certainly was not in my game plan. There hasn’t been any frame of reference, I have not seen it widely modelled around me. I have had to dig and search and sieve through it. So I think on some level I thought I could be both. I could be somewhat “normal” and still have my eccentric existence and be accepted by mainstream society on some level. Turns out, that ain't gonna work. Turns out, the only way forward is to completely surrender to what I call The Great Mother. The Divine Feminine. That for me, is the only way to live. In complete alignment and harmony with The Great Mother. In a way that is governed by The Divine feminine and the feminine cycle. That it must permeate every piece of my life. Every action. Every choice. Every relationship. Now how THE ACTUAL FUCK do I do that on a practical, everyday level and still get my dishes done and pay the bills? What does that actual look like in reality?
My personal private daily practice of what I like to call Goddess rituals have been present for as long as I can remember, in different forms or another. I did not always recognise it as that and externally it would have been labelled New Age or hippy or just being a bit alternate. But I can see that it was always present. Over the last 5 years it has come to the forefront for me and evolved and deepened and gone into a complete unravelling and restructure of everything I know. As it has unfolded I have very much still kept a lid on it. Only revealed very small pieces to the outside world. Only spoken a few pieces here or there when I felt it safe to do so. I could count on one hand the people I have actually told the full truth to. The level at which I am able to see, hear and know things. The level at which I converse with The Universe, The Cosmos, The Great Mother, pick your label. More and more this is shifting. The next part seems to be an extension of what I already practice privately and expanding that to all areas of my everyday life and existence. All sounds a bit fucking lofty doesn’t it? I know.
There are very practical and seemingly simple practices that are executed daily which when all strung together over time reveal a life woven in service to The Goddess. I have recently come to the understand that it really does permeate EVERYTHING. That is exactly what it is. A complete way of being and living. For example, I renamed all of my bank accounts today to different Goddesses that reflect the energy of what I want to create with the money in that account. For example, the account that I am putting money into to save for my next major project (which is absolutely epic FYI) I renamed Vesta Artemis. Vesta is the Goddess that represents the home, hearth and family. Artemis is the goddess of the wilderness, the hunt, wild animals, fertility, childbirth and midwifery. These energies are important to that creation and help to represent the birthing of that project and what I want it to be. This may seem like a small thing and it is. I think in essence this is it. Often we think we have to do some major thing. Some earth shattering, chaotic, cataclysmic life explosion. These mother fuckers certainly have rolled on in and through my life and absolutely have helped define the way forward however, we have to exist outside of that. It is the moment by moment small things that add up to a life tapestry full of beautifully woven nuanced colour. It does not always require a life explosion in order for the winds of change to blow through. So hold on to your rainbow tutu’s, because for the one millionth time, I have kicked a hornets nest and I am not willing to walk away from all that shall unfold.